Postings

I spent last weekend in an isolated lake cabin in Kentucky with two of my dearest friends. I know, I know – it was a violation of social distancing. But I desperately needed a reset and the cabin was a safe, private retreat. The two friends who conspired with my violation of public health precautions were partners in my previous medical practice and the cabin a vacation home belonging to one of them. Our friendship was forged in years of blood, sweat and tears in the pediatric intensive care unit. These particular friends share my heart, my brain, my soul, my entire being. And is that not the definition of family? So, I spent the weekend socially isolated but in the company of sisters. And it was not lost on me that my ability to do so was a reflection of privilege that many others at this time do not have.

Part of the reason why I needed a reset was a personal existential crisis I was experiencing. For several weeks, I had been part of a social email chain with the creative voices of individuals with which I had spent hours of my time and years of my life. It was a melodious blend of voices in which I was a discordant note. I was in the midst of self-examination about my role in this group. Why was I the discordant note? Why was I experiencing such anxiety and conflict and stress over the conversations in this group?

My first night in the cabin was a sleepless one for me, still racked with self-doubts over the conflict I was engendering in this social email group. I finally gave up on sleep and went outside to sit on my friend’s deck overlooking the lake.

As the sun’s initial light started illuminating the lake in front of me, morning birdsong began lifting my heart. I was reviewing the postings of several poetry blogs I subscribe to on my iPad and the final words of one poem seemed to be a message directly to me—“Silence has always sheltered the tyrant.” 

I read the book The Sixth Extinction by Elizabeth Kolbert some years ago. The scientific premise put forth in her book is irrefutable. I am well read on historical pandemics and on the fall of democratic principles and the rise of authoritarian regimes. My concern that humanity is on the brink of cataclysmic change is not alarmist and is not based on half-baked conspiracy theories. I truly believe that we are on the threshold of a new era for humankind. As we approach that threshold, the perturbations of change will reverberate through our economy, our culture—through all our institutions. I think it is very possible that, as we experience the chaos integral to profound change, our government institutions, which have been under assault for several years under the Trump administration, will collapse. We are already seeing the failures in the CDC and the FDA in handling the current pandemic that are consequences of the institutional attacks wrought by this administration. The unity and collaboration that has been the hallmark of American ingenuity and resilience in the past is no longer a characteristic of our culture and again, that is a consequence of the continual, divisive rhetoric of our current administration. The drumbeat of thousands of human deaths continues on, propelling our species and our civilization to the brink. That is the consequence of the pandemic, it has nothing to do with America’s leadership. But the suffering and agony that will fall on humanity as we are propelled inexorably toward the threshold will be intensified for Americans because of our leadership. Americans constitute 4% of the world population but 26% of the global deaths from Covid-19. That is also irrefutable.

I have been a loud and strident voice about Trump—primarily because of the torture of children at our southern border that his zero-tolerance policy created. But this is also a truth— as corrupt and morally reprehensible as his character might be, he is one man. The suffering of children because of his policies and the unnecessary loss of American lives because of his narcissistic corruption of American government and ideals would never have occurred without the power granted him by his base. The people who put him into power and continue to endorse and support him, continue to empower him either by active measures or by refusing to speak against him, are the ones who also have to bear responsibility. Without their support, he would not have had the power to do the harm he has done.

So, my morning of self-examination resolved one thing for me. ‘Silence has always sheltered the tyrant’ so it is imperative to continue speaking up. But what about the discordant note I was creating in my social email group? What about the stress and anxiety I was experiencing being part of this group and knowing I was the unwelcome and annoying voice?

One of my sister-friends that I was sharing the weekend with has a strong religious affiliation. She also has ideological conflicts with acquaintances and friends but she finds peace and calmness by relying on the most basic and also the most foundational premise of her morality—love one another. She resolves all conflicts because she truly believes that humans should love one another above all else and a demonstration of that love is being kind to each other. She would not raise her voice if, by doing so, she would create hurt in another human being. And she was concerned about the distancing I was placing between myself and those who either actively or passively empowered Trump. Living in a segment of the country where Trump has received generous and unquestioning support, she was concerned that I was alienating myself from everyone around me. 

My other sister-friend has incorporated multiple and diverse religious tenets into her moral fabric. She feels strongly that humans should not harm other humans, for any reason. But she also agrees that it is imperative for individuals to speak up if they are witnesses to immorality. Her advice to me was to place some distance between myself and the anxieties of current events by not watching the news obsessively. 

For me, however, feeling that we are on the brink of cataclysmic change, not paying attention to current events would be akin to driving down a twisty-turning mountain road that I have never been on, at night, without my headlamps on. I HAVE to pay attention to information that may be important to my future. Regardless, that really is not the source of my anxiety. My stress is a direct consequence of the incongruence I feel in this social email group, the feeling that if I behave in the manner that I must based on my own moral parameters, then I am creating hurt and harm for them. And all of that is coupled with my fear that I am alienating myself from my friends, not just this group but many groups where my outspoken criticism of Trump has been received with anger and resistance.

“That’s easy”, my sister-friend (who has created the moral fabric of her being by incorporating diverse ideologies) said. You’re confusing friends with acquaintances. Acquaintances are in your life to share moments of your time, seasons of your life, segments of your personality. Most people have many acquaintances but few friends. Friends are in your life for all seasons of your life, for all aspects of who you are, for more than just the sharing of specific kinds of time or activities. You are not alienating friends. You have acquaintances that are either toxic for you or you are toxic for them and it is time to sever the relationship. That is not alienating friends, that is recognition that the time of the acquaintanceship has come to an end. And we both agreed that at our ages, in this stage of life, there is simply not the time or inclination to maintain relationships that have toxic side-effects. Women throughout their lives are generally ones who maintain the ties of social interaction for themselves and for their families, most of which are fairly shallow social graces and not deep abiding relationships. But at this point in my life, time is of the essence. I would prefer to spend my limited time left with people that I believe in, that I have congruence with and not with people that cause stress and anxiety for me and vice versa.

One of the other reasons this weekend was such a treasure for me, in addition to helping me through my personal crisis, was the time we spent as friends. In the midst of a crisis, friends share information and interpretation of events with the goal of empowering each other. There is no denial, no shirking away from discussions that might alarm or frighten. In the midst of a infectious disease pandemic, sharing interpretation and possible prognostication of future outcomes with medical colleagues was invaluable. Did we also try to cheer each other up with distractions? Absolutely! We did both—honest and authentic appraisals of reality, jokes, games, and lengthy discussions on everything from religion, marriage, and family to the best way to cook bacon. 

And we played one of the best board games I have every played—Pandemic. I’ve had the game for about a year because I had read raving reviews about it but had not yet had the opportunity to play it. The fact that we were currently in a pandemic created an ironic push to break out the game and give it a shot. Part of the appeal of the game is that you do not compete with one another, you compete together against the pandemic with the goal of saving the world. Each person takes on a role that has a particular value to the team—medic, scientist, researcher, quarantine specialist—and as an inexorable disease makes its way around the world with epidemics occurring locally then outbreaks and chain reactions that dramatically increase spread, the team must work together to conquer the pandemic. There were frequent discussions, sharing of thinking processes, strategy discussions, and extreme collaboration. I don’t think you have to have a medical background to understand, as you play the game, the value of specific resources to combat disease, the intricacy of global connections that enhance disease spread, and the fact that, as in real life, a team may be handicapped by lack of specific resources as the fight against a disease begins. Sometimes, a team may receive the good fortune of a government grant, sometimes airlifts may be granted, and sometimes epidemics intensify despite one’s best efforts. The game was so much fun, we played it 7 times. The first two times, we (all medical professionals!) were whipped by the disease resoundingly so the challenge was on. Then we won the next two times. Thinking we had finally mastered the game, we played again….and lost. Well, we couldn’t let a 3:2 stand, so we played again and won. Now, it was 3:3. But could we leave the weekend in a tie? NO! So we played again and……..lost again. So, in a pandemic weekend, we lost a pandemic game by 4:3. Aaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

We’re gonna have to schedule another girls weekend real soon. The pandemic awaits.